A heart at peace
A summary of The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict by the Arbinger Institute, translated into Persian by Ali Amiri
Find a way to resolve conflicts while understanding which approaches do not work.
How much easier life would be if people stopped making things difficult! We have all argued with a troubled teenager, an inattentive partner or an irritating neighbour at least once. And as you know, when you confront a stubborn person directly, you often end up being blamed for everything.
Yet a conflict becomes hard to sustain when one person no longer wants to continue it. If there is hostility or tension in your life, at least part of the responsibility may therefore lie with you. How can you understand where that responsibility begins, and how can you step out of the cycle of conflict? This summary explores those questions.
You will see how even positive intentions, such as helping someone stop using drugs, can become caught in a cycle of resistance and blame. Your mindset, particularly the way you see other people, plays a decisive role. The encouraging news is that you can change that mindset.
In this summary, you will explore:
- How Sultan Saladin, withA heart at peacefought and won;
- What is the “I deserve” box, and why can it become a serious problem?
- and why your partner never seems to do what you want.
Two ways of seeing others: a heart at war or a heart at peace
Imagine being taught from childhood to fear and dislike left-handed people because a group of them attacked your right-handed ancestors two thousand years ago. One day, you see a man leaving a shop for left-handed people. He suddenly falls in the street, dropping his bag and scattering its contents. What do you do?
You have two choices:
- A heart at war: see someone who needs help as worthless or as an object rather than a person. Your mind then tells you, “Do not help them; they belong to that hated group.” Thinking this way keeps conflict and hatred alive and can intensify them.
- A heart at peace: act on your compassion and see the other person as a human being. Even if you have to fight, you can treat your opponent with kindness, as Sultan Saladin did during the twelfth-century wars. When Jerusalem fell to his Muslim forces, unlike the Christians who had slaughtered the city’s inhabitants a century earlier, Saladin spared innocent people, provided safe routes for them and, years later, kept the city open to Christian pilgrims.
A heart at peace means empathising with the people around you and recognising them as human beings with fears and desires. When you take this perspective, others are more likely to respond similarly, making peace more possible.
We sustain conflicts by refusing to recognise others’ perspectives
No one enjoys arguing with a partner, child or colleague. Yet we often fuel conflict ourselves by repeating actions we dislike.
This happens when we have a heart at war and continually see others as enemies. We imagine they are trying to deceive us or plotting against us, a mindset that inevitably creates further conflict.
This warlike perspective also draws like-minded people around us who reinforce our beliefs and broaden the conflict. The same pattern appears globally: groups are treated as ‘the other’, and demonisation makes negotiation and resolution difficult. Even when negotiations begin, each side suspects the other of having a hidden agenda. The conflict between Israelis and Palestinians is a well-known example of this pattern.
When both sides have a heart at war, they can unintentionally keep the conflict alive. Neither is willing to accept that the other has a valid, though different, perspective, and neither wants to consider that they might be mistaken. Everyone insists they alone are right, causing attempts to find common ground to fail.
The same difficulty appears at home. Parents who believe they always know what is best for their child may forget that the child is a person with independent thoughts. If we truly listen, the child may understand very well what they want.
A heart at peace: change the environment rather than trying to change others
When did someone last tell you that you were wrong? Your reaction was probably not pleasant. When we notice a problem, we usually try to change someone else’s behaviour or thinking, but this can spark further conflict.
Imagine that your partner has not carried out their responsibilities for a month. You naturally want to object, but if your objection becomes an attempt to force them to change, it will probably provoke defensiveness and a sense of being criticised.
People, including your partner, have reasons for their thoughts and behaviour. It is better to listen and understand what lies beneath the situation. Instead of trying to ‘fix’ them, create conditions in which they may want to change.
If the problem is more serious, such as alcohol or drug addiction, the book suggests that this approach becomes even more relevant. Rather than blaming the other person or trying to force their behaviour to stop, focus on improving the relationship and showing that you are there for them. When blame stops, the behaviour no longer has to become a way of asserting power against you. You can then communicate more effectively and understand their actual needs.
The same pattern appears at work. Employees may become discouraged because they are repeatedly humiliated or become isolated and dissatisfied for fear of criticism. Blaming them only makes matters worse. Instead, an environment can be created in which people feel safe, valued and listened to.
We justify our behaviour by hiding in mental boxes, but we can stop doing so
People are highly skilled at justifying themselves. We may often have portrayed our hurtful actions as entirely logical and appropriate.
One way we justify ourselves is by building boxes in our minds.
- For example,The “I am better” box. In this box, we imagine we are more special or talented than others and regard them as inferior. We then justify mistreating them or neglecting their needs.
- orThe “I am a victim” box. Here, in contrast, we see others as better off and the world as unfair. We believe we have not received our due, so we justify treating others harshly. This box can also be called“I deserve more”as well.
These boxes lead us to believe that our inappropriate behaviour is right and prevent us from seeing any perspective beyond our own. This helps keep many conflicts alive.
There is a way out of these boxes. For a moment, put yourself in the other person’s place and see the situation from their perspective. If you entered your business as a customer, would the way people are treated be acceptable? By placing ourselves in others’ positions, we can more readily recognise when our behaviour may be offensive or selfish.
